The "Dracula" of crappy analysis.

I guess art does imitate life.... 

Every couple of weeks a castle rises out of the myre and it's master tries his best to weigh in his two cents on the gaming industry. People use logic to defeat him and his castle crumbles into dust and he goes back into whence he came, only to rise again and again to spew wisdom that can only be found on a bazooka Joe gum wrapper. This man is Michael Pachter, or as I have begun to call him, Count Pachula.




Pacula has apparently reared his head again after Iwata's keynote speech rattles some cages at GDC last week. Now don't worry I'll get to that soon enough, but I just want to point out the fact that here any one worth their salt in analysis would be hard pressed to find something more profound to say in the face of such a bold set of statements, than this... Can you guess what he said, readers? I bet you can.

Iwata, who presented the show’s only keynote, said he fears today’s emphasis on mobile and social is going to hurt the industry. 

Later in the afternoon, critics said his statements only prove his ignorance and point to the company’s own weaknesses. 

“Long-term, Nintendo is doomed,” said Michael Pachter, equity research analyst of Wedbush Securities. “He’s under full frontal assault by Apple.” 

In the keynote, Iwata explained the games industry is no longer focused on building the highest quality experiences, but rather is narrowing in on free or very low cost titles. 

“The majority of people here are creating games for social and mobile. I fear our business is dividing, and that threatens the employment for those of us who make games for a living,” he said. 

Iwata also addressed Apple’s impact on the industry, but without every naming the iPhone and iPad-maker.

You'll forgive me for not acting surprised that he would say the verbal equivalent of Saturday morning cartoon dialog, that seems to have been his basic mantra for - what has it been, five years now? I guess the mention of  a full frontal assault by apple is kind of new-ish. However, he, Apple Superfans, and the Gaming press have been trying to fabricate Apple and Nintendo in some sort of gaming Armageddon for some time now. Here's the rest of Pachula's commentary.

Webush’s Pachter said despite the pressure from Apple, he believes the 3DS is novel and has the ability to sell tens of millions of units, but it will face competition from the iPod and iPhone, which have similar games and much lower prices.

Competition is always a possibility, but The Ipad 2 is already been revealed and it's at a dead set price depending on the amount of features you want. As it stands now it'll most likely be more expensive than a 3DS, and that will be before the data plan cost comes into play. Now the release is already going to antiquate the predecessor, and we could see a price drop of ipad 1 units, which would probably prompt people to buy as many up as possible, but considering the majority has to have the latest and greatest thing out there (so says the media) The metaphorical gun could always backfire. But again this is for another post.

Usually, I ignore Pachula's commentary like the plague, because while he does occasionally say something that the public agrees with only because it's common sense, he spends more time moaning about how Nintendo won't listen to him so they can make the big dollars. This is probably the same reasoning behind his current doom and gloom statement. Though - my god, man this is so phoned in that I can actually hear the beep before the comment was made.

In my mind I imagine an interview with the man would go like this.

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*imagine his office as seen in the often overplayed and somewhat silly Pach Attack show. He's talking about something few of us care about anyway, and just then a rather dashing man in a black hoodie and a red and black fuzzy pimp hat crashes through his window and stands atop his now scattered collection of 360 boxes*


Xxsp - Begone, Analyst you don't belong in this industry

Pachter - It's not by my hand I am once again given audience. I was called here by journalists who wish to give me tribute.

Xxsp - Tribute? you cloud developer's minds and make them your bitches.

Pachter - The same could be said of all religions.

Xxsp - .... ok you have a point there. However (comma) Your words are as empty as your soul!, Gaming ill needs a talking head such as you!

Pachter - What is a gamer? *throws his starbucks latte cup, which oddly enough makes a breaking glass sound*

Xxsp - What the hell? Wasn't that just cardboard?

Pachter - I know.. weird huh?

Xxsp - Yeah it was.. What were you saying?

Pachter - um.. uh... oh yeah!  What is a Gamer? A miserable little pile of secrets, but enough talk...

HAVE AT YOU!!

*and then he turns into a large bat creature and we fight it out for fourty-five minutes.*
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Dramatization may not have happened. 


Perhaps you should just become a therapist. That way you can ask Nintendo about their feelings on why they don't need you to help them print money. I imagine then you can boast about being an Analyst and a Therapist to charm the pants off of gamers with your silver tongue. I wonder what they would call you then?

um.....ew.

on second thought.... keep your day job.